Emotions are Good Consultants but Bad Executives

A stressful event happens – say, a fight with your significant other or a negative performance review at work – and you feel angry and hurt.  What do you do?  Do you stuff those feelings and carry on as if nothing happened?  Do you give yourself over to your emotions, venting them at your partner or boss in a blinding rush, and let the consequences happen?

A couple of weeks ago, we learned about thinking accurately and exorcising unreasonable or irrational thoughts that hold us back.  But what about emotions?  Emotions play an integral part to our humanity and to our success as leaders. They are the basis for most of the good things in life:  They allow us to form relationships, to experience art, to empathize and be kind.   But unfettered emotions can also damage our credibility and relationships as much as they help. 

Much has been written about this ability to manage emotions as a critical function, from Wayne Payne and Daniel Goleman’s ideas about emotional intelligence to Art Chickering and Linda Reisser’s Seven Vectors of Identity Development, of which “managing emotions” is a key piece.  Noam Shpancer, Ph. D., builds on those ideas, providing us some key tips to managing the emotions that we all have. 

The first tip is to avoid denying emotions you are feeling.  We’ve all known – or been -- this person, the stoic who never seems to be affected by anything that happens.  Individuals have different levels of natural emotionality, but denying or suppressing your emotions excessively has serious emotional and physical side effects, including depression, fatigue, high blood pressure, and over-eating.  “Stuffing” emotions usually makes them worse and they eventually come out anyway. 

The second tip is to avoid what Shpancer calls “blind obedience” to your emotions, or believing that your emotions are always telling you the truth about a situation and you must do anything they tell you to do.  Putting your emotions in charge leads to all kind of havoc, including lost relationships and jobs and makes you the kind of leader others avoid.

The best approach is to think of your emotions, as Shpancer says, as valued consultants, providing you with critical input, but do not make them executives, issuing orders that must be followed.  Yes, I know this differs from all the "follow your heart" advice given so often -- sorry, romantics -- but it's true.  Good leadership means paying attention to your emotions, and balancing them with your rational thoughts and other factors that have to be weighed, or following your heart and your head. 

What tips or tricks do you use to manage your emotions?  How do emotions in a leader affect their team?  How do you balance managing your emotions with maintaining your authenticity?