Whining, Venting, or Problem-Solving?

All of us encounter a stressful or perplexing situation now and again.  Friends, family, and colleagues may bring theirs to us to discuss, and we do the same.  Over years of participating in these conversations, both as the listener and as the speaker, I have observed something that, once I got it, had saved me some time and frustration and I want to share that with you.  That lesson is to consciously categorize your conversations, and only spend time with those that are constructive.

The first step is identifying the conversation.  When a negative or stressful situation is being discussed, the conversation generally falls into three main types: 

1. Venting:  This involves describing the negative circumstance and voicing complaints about it.  Its main purpose, however, is to discharge negative feelings in a safe environment before moving on to more constructive solutions, either in the conversation or outside of it.  It can be positive if it allows the speaker to get out her frustrations, preventing them from blowing up in an inappropriate way or time.
2. Problem-solving:  This conversation acknowledges the concern and then quickly moves toward solutions.  The bulk of this conversation is about making the negative situation right, seeking greater understanding, or reframing the circumstance from negative to positive.  In situations where the speaker doesn’t have much power to affect change, the problem-solving focuses on how he can alter his perception of the situation, create a work-around, accept the situation, or plan an exit strategy.
3. Whining:  This involves describing the negative circumstance and voicing complaints, but the conversation never moves to possible solutions.  When constructive actions or remedies are suggested, the speaker usually shoots down all of them and resists any attempt to brainstorm solutions.  He may even disparage the person trying to help, saying things like, “You just don’t get it.”  Whining’s main purpose is often to reinforce the speaker’s perceived powerlessness, regardless of the reality.

Understanding these types of conversations has saved me a good bit of time and frustration.  It’s helped me focus my energy on problem-solving conversations and prevented me from expending energy attempting to help people who didn’t want it, at least at the time I was offering it. 

Take a moment or ten this week to notice the types of discussions you have.  Whether you are the speaker or listener, set a “no whining” goal and nudge your conversations toward support and problem-solving.  You’ll get more done and feel better about it, too.